You’re Not Being Discarded, You’re Being Recalibrated
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The devaluation phase of the cycle of abuse was always a point of contention for me, because the motive that propels the behaviour was never clear.
The most fascinating thing about disordered behaviour is that what is compelling the individual to act out in this way is always rooted in logic, and it always makes sense.
For example, the child who would become a narcissist does so because they never received validation as a child, and when they grow up, they seek this validation from everyone they meet, and eventually become addicted to it.
Additionally, because they were never taught what healthy relationships look like, they burn all of their bridges along the way.
The resulting behaviour, while completely illogical, has a perfectly reasonable explanation.
Silent Treatment & Rejection
However, when we look at this particular behaviour of the narcissist, it becomes incredibly difficult to pinpoint the root cause of the desire for distance, especially when they are so eager to return after some time has elapsed.
I put it to you that perhaps for decades psychiatrists were looking at this all wrong; and that the silent treatment is a deliberate act that serves a very real physical instead of emotional purpose.
When we look at this behaviour through the lens of addiction specifically, we all know that an addict must take a break from the substance after using it.
Not just to avoid an overdose, but more importantly, so that their next hit will provide the same dopamine rush.
If we refer back to the cycle of abuse again, we can see that the addicted narcissist gets a fix at the love bombing phase.
The rage is how they express their withdrawal symptoms, and the discard phase is how they control the dose.
What they are actually doing is that they need to push you away to make sure that they still receive a much greater hit next time.
Without this, if you were still around, then their dopamine hit would be significantly decreased, and the arguments, the back and forth, and even the gaslighting would be ineffective at soothing the narcissist’s addiction.
This is why a narcissist’s behaviour starts to get more erratic when you begin to figure out who this person is.
What’s happening is that you are reacting less because now you can see the game.
The narcissist overreacts because when you react less, they receive a much smaller dopamine hit.
Trying to trigger you is unfortunately all a narcissist knows how to do to get the dopamine fix that they need, so they go all in to wind you up in every way possible.
When a narcissist comes for you in all kinds of ways, what they’re trying to do is get validation and approval out of you, and even if you’re shouting at them, it still counts.
The narcissist is an emotional addict trying to do everything in their power to get a fix out of everyone with a pulse.
It is with regret that I must say that since addiction physically impairs the brain, they have no idea who they’ve hurt or how much.
The brain’s limbic system eventually shuts down as the addiction progresses, and this part of the brain regulates emotion, parenting, empathy, love, judgment and decision making.
This means that addicted narcissists don’t know what they’re doing anymore once this part of the brain ceases to function.
It might even be worth asking how much of a person is left after you remove empathy, love, emotion and judgement.
Are they still there, or are we speaking to an empty shell of a person whose soul is long since passed? And all that remains is the hunger for the spotlight.
© Honor Payne